That’s what I put into the google search engine yesterday. . . in a moment when it really was sucking. I’m not sure what I was wanting to find. I think to just see someone else feeling the same way and find some perspective. Do you know what I got? Posts about how infertility sucks- And it’s true, it does. Been there, done that. But, my being childless moved well beyond infertility sucks when we hit the brick wall that was adoption. I wanted something that caught the full gamut of how being childless (not just infertile) sucks. What else did I find? Posts about how motherhood sucks. . . and I suppose at times it sucks just as being childless sucks. But, it’s really not what I wanted to read about. And then, there were the posts by those who are childfree by choice saying that being childless doesn’t suck. That may be true when it’s by your choice, but for the rest of us who aren’t childless by choice, it does, at least at times it does. Not sure if you’re aware of it, but there’s a huge contention/movement about how being childfree is so great- it often feels like a slap in the face when you’re not childfree by choice.
So this post is for the next person who finds their self at a point when being childless just sucks and searches for something when they’re not sure what they want to find.
What brought me to that point yesterday? The dang drum in my head that is life without kids that never seems to stop beating. There isn’t a day that’s gone by when I haven’t thought about kids or the lack there of. Sometimes it’s a “positive” thought- that we won’t have to deal with a screaming kid in the middle of Wal-mart (even though we’d trade places with the parent anytime). Other times, I wonder about the kids we were so close to adopting- how they’re doing or how I feel they were taken from me. Sometimes, it’s just re-hashing old history. Or perhaps it’s the incessant, how can parents do the things they do to their kids. Other times, it’s wondering about where I go from here- the fact that I’ve not idea what the future looks like without kids.
Too many days it’s not just one thought but many thoughts. Somedays, it’s just a thought or two. Other days, it seems to be in sterio coming at you from all sides. No matter how much you try to tune it out, it beats louder and louder. You can’t turn it off; you can’t even seem to turn it down. Yesterday, when I did my little google search, was one of those times. . . when the drum beat was just too loud. Those are the moments when being childless seems to take hold of you, stir up all sorts of emotions, and wreck an otherwise good day. That’s when the word “sucks” just seems to be the best way to describe the state of being childless. Despite all the other words in my vocabulary, “sucks” is the one word that is apropros. And it sucks when “sucks” is the one word you can find that describes the moment.
All I can do is ask God for peace. I know he’ll get me out of those moments. And I hope that one day he has in store for me a day when I don’t even think about whether or not we have children.