Last week while I was blogging about how we tend to doubt ourselves as scrapbookers, I pulled out my old thesaurus to look up the word doubt. I never know what inspiration I’ll find in it, so I often pull it out- I think that the old book smell along with the action of opening it up, just breeds creativity. Well, truth be told, this old thesaurus was my mom’s old thesaurus that somewhere along the way I ended up with. I’ve had it now for at least 20 years and probably longer. It had a little revelation to reveal to me last week.
Doubts- Man from Missouri
There it was. In black and white- Doubts- a “Man for Missouri”. It stung a little. It made me laugh a little. Okay, it made me laugh a lot. It was just so true. You may have heard me mention that I’m a show me state gal. I was born there and I totally get the “Show Me State” motto. . . and apparently have taught my husband just what it means.
But, I think I’m riddled with doubts all the time. There are things that I don’t doubt- I don’t doubt that Jesus has redeemed our sins, the love my husband and I share, or that Texas weather can change in a second.
There are so many other things I doubt. Yesterday, I mentioned how I’ll sit and wonder where an embellishment goes. Or I might doubt whether something will work in the recipe I’m trying. Or as we speak, I’m doubting or at least trying to figure out whether some new storage would work better in my office/craft room. It’s a show me thing. I want to see that it works.
But then there are the other doubts- the ones that creep in and hang around. The ones that can’t be solved just by simply trying something. When we first found out about this rent house becoming available, I can’t tell you how many times I hoped it would just work out. It felt like (and still does) something I needed. And I need it work out. Why do I wonder if it’ll work out? I know. The answer runs deep into my soul.
When I started having the doubts about whether getting into this home was going to work out, I thought back on all that I’d been through over the years and what led us to this. I remembered that I’ve learned the hard way that what we want and what God’s plans are aren’t always the same. No amount of prayer can change that either. Our journey into trying to have a family was a long battle butting against God’s will. Things don’t always work out. He’s not there to give us what we think we want. And, among the longstanding effects of that battle has been this sense where I always wonder if something I want will actually work out. The idea of dreams coming true is just not something I believe in anymore- I know some things will work out, others won’t but I remember vividly the night I gave up dreaming.
Doubts are a part of our lives. And I kinda felt like that thesaurus, and God through that old book, was sending me a message to remind me of that. Doubting seems to be my birthright. No matter how far I come in my own journey, I doubt I ever give up doubting things will work out for the best- that scar on my should is just too deep. But, here I am sitting in this beautiful house blogging about living with our own doubts- and loving every minute of being in this house.